i-did-it

So here I am, still working things out with Colleen and the girls. I’m still living with Gene, but I visit home every evening and join them for dinner every Friday night. Colleen has since removed the restraining order, and with each passing day, she gets more and more comfortable with me.

I haven’t had a drink in nearly a year, and I feel right about that. I only see my therapist once a month, and I continue to run the support group. Gene’s wife, Angie has cancer now, so I’ve been helping run the home while she’s away.

Things may be good now, but not every day is sweet. Some days I still see Kyle. Just last night I had a horrific nightmare about his accident. I woke up craving vodka. I was so close to going to the nearest bar for only one drink. One drink couldn’t hurt, right?

That’s the thing. One drink is all it takes. Just one drink and I’m back to old Nick. One drink and I could lose Colleen for good. That isn’t something that I am ever going to risk again. I am never going back.

I guess it’s always best to remember that the fight never ends. Sobriety doesn’t have a time limit. It’s forever. So every day is a struggle. Every gets together is an opportunity to fall off the wagon. Every adult function is a test of my strength. I intend to pass every time.

Colleen has since stopped drinking as well, although she gave it up while I was in jail. I don’t know if I will ever be able to get back what we had, and if this is the closest I can get, I’ll take it.

I truly damaged my family, and I can’t expect them to just forgive me and move on. What they don’t tell you about step nine in AA, is that making amends can and should last for an eternity. I don’t think that I can ever fully make up for what I’ve done. If that means living every day for the rest of my life, paying for my mistakes and making amends, I gladly will.

Colleen was the best thing that ever happened to me, and the girls were a blessing. In one night, I threw it all away.

I hate that alcohol, and any drug for that matter, can hold so much power over us. How is it that a substance has the ability to control our thoughts and actions? It doesn’t seem fair. If we are supposed to be such strong and powerful creatures, how can we succumb to something so trivial?

One drink is never one drink, One hit isn’t just one hit. One leads to two. Two leads to three and on and on it goes. Stopping the wheel from rolling down the hill once it starts, is nearly impossible. My wheel has been rolling for decades, but I somehow managed to catch up to it and throw it very far away.
Thank you all for reading my story. I truly hope that you can catch up to your wheel in enough time to blast it to smithereens. Trust me, you’ve got what it takes. Good luck.

~Nick